I heard that Harper hopes you wont update this page any more, therefore you should probably update it all the more frequently, just to spite him.

Anonymous, Somewheresville


(We doubt he knows about this page - although we wish he did - but we'll certainly update it as often as we get submissions!)

I heard that Harper tried to commit suicide 4 times.

Max, Montreal

I heard that Harper's taste for poopy flavoured lollipops has started a rumour in his caucus that he in fact likes poop and is actually gay!!!

Leonard, Toronto

I heard that Harper killed Dumbledore.
James, Montreal

I read (in two separate articles from the January 25th issue of The Mike newspaper) that Harper eats babies/children. I know its been said before, but if its in a newspaper it must be true!

Meredith, Toronto

I heard that Harper is a handsome man with good morals.

Stephen, Alberta


(Handsome? Have you SEEN the guy? He has a nose you could ski off of. Good morals? Ehh, we'll see.)

I heard that Harper is German. Let's get him, fellas.

Alex, Toronto

I heard that Harper started out as an amateur rapper.

Alex, Toronto

I heard that Harper thinks he is better than you.

Alex, Toronto

I heard that Harper has a university education, unlike left-wing bloggers.

K.L., don't bother making a comment; you're just another cog in the liberal propaganda machine. By the way, how's that iPod nano you just bought? Does it match your white Starbucks coffee cup and latest Dan Brown thriller? Cog!

Gina (pronounced "Jyna"), Toronto


(Are you kidding? Did you think we wouldn't comment on this? First, none of us has an iPod. Second, we don't drink coffee, and third, Dan Brown is a genius. Everyone knows that. Chill out, Gina-pronounced-Jyna.)

(But seriously, keep the hate mail coming. We love it.)

I heard that Harper was actually Max from Montreal.

The only James, Toronto

I heard that Harper likes poopy flavoured lollipops.

Meredith, Toronto

I heard that Harper knows about this blog site and all of your names and addresses. Dumbasses.

Mr. Smith, Toronto

(And we heard that Mr. Smith is severely uninformed, seeing as those who have contributed to this site are known only by their first names and the cities they live in. But thanks for providing us with our first piece of publish-worthy hate mail.)

I heard that Harper's mom can beat up your mom.

James, Toronto

(We don't think so.)

I vaguely recall hearing that Harper has become Prime Minister of Canada. But, that was just a bad dream, right?

Kat, Niagara

(Kat, we all wish it was just a dream.)

I heard that Harper has an aversion to holy water, crosses, and garlic.

Tom, Toronto

(Tom wanted to add that his submission was inspired by Max from Montreal. Thanks, Max, you're an inspiration to us all!)

I heard that Harper has a secret chamber where he locks up all those who believe in social programs, while force feeding them conservative propaganda.

Tom, Toronto

I heard that Harper was treated in hospital for an athsma attack.

Katie, Waterloo

I heard that Harper marinades his steak in the blood of unborn children.

Cairan, Victoria, B.C.

I heard that Harper had a tumour in his brain that actually made him smarter -- so smart that people from Berkeley were researching him. Oh ... that was John Travolta.

James, Toronto

I heard he was replaced by a robot in 1994. He hasn't aged since then, his hair has remained in the same helmet style, and you can hear faint whirring sounds when his joints move.

I heard that Harper always wears tighty-whities, even at the annual Conservative pagan naked bonfire dance. And he complains if they get stained by the wolf's blood runes John Reynolds smears on his chest.

I heard that last summer Harper set Ralph Klein on fire. He didn't even apologize.

I heard that Harper eats baby seal eyes for breakfast.

I heard that he summoned Cthulhu on the Atlantic provinces for voting Liberal. Toronto's next.

I heard he doesn't smoke cigars, but likes to talk while chomping one between his teeth and ending every sentence with, "... see?"

I heard he has an illegitimate black child.

I heard he uses internet slang in real life. Instead of laughing he says "LOL".

I heard he'll never be photographed without shoes, because he actually has little goat hooves.

I heard that Harper's farts have increased Canada's Greenhouse Gas emissions by at least 2% this year.

I heard that he had sex with a penguin. The penguin said he wasn't that good.

I heard that Harper's favourite food is tempura-fried dolphin nose.

I heard that Harper is jealous of Layton's mustache. He can't grow facial hair.

I heard that Harper has a coat made out of puppies.

I heard that his cellphone ring is a karaoke version of himself singing "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion.

I heard he's actually a store mannequin who was brought to life when a lightning bolt hit an Oshawa-area Zellers.

I heard that Harper will cry if you twist his left nipple.

I heard that Harper went trick-or-treating and kept the UNICEF money.

I heard that Harper smells like ranch dressing.

Gemma, Montreal

I heard that Harper sleeps in a coffin.

Max, Montreal

I heard that Harper once had hemorrhoids so bad that once when he pooped a big 'rhoid popped and to stop the bleeding he got his dog to lick his anus. Then he had to shoot the dog 'cause it was gay ... and he liked being licked there.

James, Toronto

I heard that Harper is a really good friend of Richard Simmons, but doesn't share his love of David Letterman. He's a real Leno fan.

James, Toronto

I heard that Harper caught a man taking a picture of him smiling and subsequently eliminated both the man and the photo with an Albertan firing squad.

Leonard, Toronto

I heard that Harper punched a baby in 2004. In the throat.

I heard that he said that Chuck Norris was a pansy, and that he could take Chuck in a straight-up fight.

I heard that he has a barbed tail.

I heard that he eats kittens raw. He spits the paws out on the carpet.

I heard that he supports intelligent design. He uses himself as proof that God exists.

I heard that he once swallowed a pint of crude oil to fill the place in his chest where his soul used to be.

I heard that he doesn't like maple syrup, he likes refined sugar and urine.

I heard that his breath is pure carbon monoxide.

I heard that he does not sing. He wails a shrill cry that blinds the innocent.

I heard that he once made out with an elder dread god. The dread god is embarassed about that story to this very day.

I heard that he had his nipples removed in '99 to further isolate himself from the rest of humanity.

I heard that he was not born. He was hatched.

I heard that he wears socks made of the finest leather. Baby leather.

I heard that he doesn't drive an SUV. He just starts gasoline fires in his back yard. He says it reminds him of "home".

I heard that he wants to go to Iraq, but only to bomb the museums.

Scott, Montreal

I heard that Harper caught a fish THIS big.

Mike, Oshawa

I heard that Harper is the result of a botched abortion.

Leah, Montreal

I heard that Harper had organ transplants from an unwilling donor. And the donor was a gorilla. Except it was an evil gorilla. So really, Harper has evil gorilla parts in him.

Breadbox, Montreal

I heard that Harper has a life size doll of Sting and sings softly into his ear nightly. And if anyone says they dislike Sting Harper beats them with the doll.

Jill, Toronto

I heard that Harper only has one testicle, but it's the size of an apple. This is why he never sits down.

I heard that he was born with brown eyes. They turned blue when his life essence was ripped out of him when someone read from the book of Amun-Ra.

I heard that he believes that deep down, he is a Thundercat.

I heard that he has no ass-crack. His digestive system loops back up to his tear ducts.

I heard that he secretly hates Walt Disney for making Dopey look just so sinfully attractive.

I heard that Harper, like a scottish terrier, is a fierce ratter.

I heard that he was kicked out of the Holograms when he was caught stealing Jem's make-up kit.

I heard that he once told a class of 5th graders to listen to their parents, eat their vitamins and ostracize same-sex couples, using stones if they were handy.

I heard that he has gone out for Halloween as Robin for a record 21 years in a row. He lists Burt Ward as a personal idol on his CV.

I heard that he wants to take a bite out of crime. Old dirty prostitutes mostly. From Winnipeg.

I heard that he refers to crotch as the saddledome.

I heard that he never went through puberty. He went from being 12 to being 33 overnight.

I heard that he is afraid of toboggans. He thinks they talk about him behind his back.

I heard that he lost his virginity to a grapefruit. It told him he was a good size, and this built his ego up enough to run for the leadership of the Canadian Alliance earlier this decade.

I heard that he doesn't find Lucky Charms "magically delicious". He prefers the taste of hope.

I heard that he was selected to replace Archangel by Apocalypse.

I heard that his body is powered by a chunk of kryptonite placed where his heart should be.

I heard that he thinks putting on a turtleneck is erotic.

I heard that his knees bend the wrong way.

Scott, Montreal

I heard that Harper has a stone for a heart. How this is physiologically possible is still being studied, given that the human heart serves so many functions. However, this "stone for a heart" theory does explain Harper's inability to love, show any real emotions other than hatred, and his cold demeanor.

Amy, Quebec City

I heard that Harper has a diet consisting of children, hobos, and women. If you fall into one or more of the three categories, I strongly urge you to avoid him at all costs. It's for your own personal safety. Do NOT make eye contact! I repeat, do NOT make eye contact!

Rene, B.C.

I heard that Harper is a soulless being who feeds off the misery of others, while laughing uncontrollably.

Lisa, Toronto

I heard that Harper wants to make the equivalent of Bush's Texan Crawford Ranch in Alberta and then invite Bush to dine with him there.

PA, Toronto

I heard that Harper has Third World sweatshops of children who individually handpaint blue P's and C's onto every Conservative election sign.

Mike, Toronto

I heard that Harper encourages dead baby jokes.

Mike

I heard that Harper has to sit down to pee. Not because he's a girl, but because he doesn't like to look at his wiener 'cause he might turn gay.

I heard that he once yelled at Joe Clark 'cause he asked him to sit on his caucus.

James, Toronto

I heard that Harper has been probed by aliens.

Max, Montreal

I heard that Harper endorses the TTC.

Bob, Toronto

I heard that Harper sold his mom out to police 'cause she was a hooker. Stephen Harper's a bastard, you know.

James, Toronto

I heard that Harper produces porn movies under an alias.

Max, Montreal

I heard that Harper dresses up as a clown on week-ends to frighten little children.

I heard that he believes that he can stay young forever by drinking blood from a Liberal ever day.

Marc, Montreal

I heard that Harper likes to suck his own cock.

Anonymous

I heard that Harper never had parents.

Max, Montreal

I heard that Harper thought he could take Vin Diesel in a knife fight, but Vin Diesel cut off Harper's face and wore it as a mask, and subsequently duped the nation into electing him Prime Minister. It's time for a *big* change, bitches!

Corey, Montreal

I heard that Harper supports Manny Pacquiao.

Joe, Toronto


(Manny Pacquaio = former WBC Flyweight champion. We looked it up.)

I heard that Harper thought that a mandate was only legal in Ontario.

Sheiban, Toronto


(We're going to be honest and say that we don't entirely understand this one, but we think it's referring to a man-date (dating men) and that it's a play on words we're just too simple to figure out. If we're wrong, feel free to set us straight. And thanks for the submission!)

I heard that Harper would jack off to the results of the polls during the election campaign.

I heard that Harper wants to dissolve parliament, proclaim himself king, and run the country into the ground... actually, I think I dreamed that.

Meredith, Toronto



I heard that Harper keeps a dragon in a shed.

I heard that he drinks his own blood.

Tess, Montreal



I heard that Harper likes to flush live goldfish.

Caylie, Sherbrooke, QC

I heard that Harper likes to go into drug rehab centres with a bag of smack just to 'test the waters.'

I heard that he likes to poke fat kids with sticks.

~ Sarah, Toronto

I heard he stole a cow from a poor Mennonite farm and used it to make leather pants.

I heard he jacks off to the Sunshine Girl at the public library.

~ Ashley, Toronto

This Just In...

Stephen Harper purposely runs over kittens, puppies and small children with his gas guzzling, environmentally unfriendly SUV.

He’s nothing if not good for a laugh.

Send in your submissions and enjoy those from others.

And pass on the link!



Here are a few to start things off right:

I heard he once stabbed a hobo with a moose antler.

I heard he's seen 9 1/2 Weeks fifty-seven times."

I think he also likes to stomp on bunnies while wearing ski boots.

~ Ashley, Toronto


I heard he plucks baby robins out of their nests and throws them at walls... and also, he puts hamsters in socks and swings them around.

~ Rob, Kitchener


Worth mentioning: Meredith from Toronto let us know that she heard that Harper actually used a shishkabob skewer to poke the hobo, not a moose antler.

We'll look into it.