I heard he was replaced by a robot in 1994. He hasn't aged since then, his hair has remained in the same helmet style, and you can hear faint whirring sounds when his joints move.

I heard that Harper always wears tighty-whities, even at the annual Conservative pagan naked bonfire dance. And he complains if they get stained by the wolf's blood runes John Reynolds smears on his chest.

I heard that last summer Harper set Ralph Klein on fire. He didn't even apologize.

I heard that Harper eats baby seal eyes for breakfast.

I heard that he summoned Cthulhu on the Atlantic provinces for voting Liberal. Toronto's next.

I heard he doesn't smoke cigars, but likes to talk while chomping one between his teeth and ending every sentence with, "... see?"

I heard he has an illegitimate black child.

I heard he uses internet slang in real life. Instead of laughing he says "LOL".

I heard he'll never be photographed without shoes, because he actually has little goat hooves.

I heard that Harper's farts have increased Canada's Greenhouse Gas emissions by at least 2% this year.

I heard that he had sex with a penguin. The penguin said he wasn't that good.

I heard that Harper's favourite food is tempura-fried dolphin nose.

I heard that Harper is jealous of Layton's mustache. He can't grow facial hair.

I heard that Harper has a coat made out of puppies.

I heard that his cellphone ring is a karaoke version of himself singing "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion.

I heard he's actually a store mannequin who was brought to life when a lightning bolt hit an Oshawa-area Zellers.

I heard that Harper will cry if you twist his left nipple.

I heard that Harper went trick-or-treating and kept the UNICEF money.

I heard that Harper smells like ranch dressing.

Gemma, Montreal