I heard that Harper only has one testicle, but it's the size of an apple. This is why he never sits down.

I heard that he was born with brown eyes. They turned blue when his life essence was ripped out of him when someone read from the book of Amun-Ra.

I heard that he believes that deep down, he is a Thundercat.

I heard that he has no ass-crack. His digestive system loops back up to his tear ducts.

I heard that he secretly hates Walt Disney for making Dopey look just so sinfully attractive.

I heard that Harper, like a scottish terrier, is a fierce ratter.

I heard that he was kicked out of the Holograms when he was caught stealing Jem's make-up kit.

I heard that he once told a class of 5th graders to listen to their parents, eat their vitamins and ostracize same-sex couples, using stones if they were handy.

I heard that he has gone out for Halloween as Robin for a record 21 years in a row. He lists Burt Ward as a personal idol on his CV.

I heard that he wants to take a bite out of crime. Old dirty prostitutes mostly. From Winnipeg.

I heard that he refers to crotch as the saddledome.

I heard that he never went through puberty. He went from being 12 to being 33 overnight.

I heard that he is afraid of toboggans. He thinks they talk about him behind his back.

I heard that he lost his virginity to a grapefruit. It told him he was a good size, and this built his ego up enough to run for the leadership of the Canadian Alliance earlier this decade.

I heard that he doesn't find Lucky Charms "magically delicious". He prefers the taste of hope.

I heard that he was selected to replace Archangel by Apocalypse.

I heard that his body is powered by a chunk of kryptonite placed where his heart should be.

I heard that he thinks putting on a turtleneck is erotic.

I heard that his knees bend the wrong way.

Scott, Montreal