I heard that Harper punched a baby in 2004. In the throat.

I heard that he said that Chuck Norris was a pansy, and that he could take Chuck in a straight-up fight.

I heard that he has a barbed tail.

I heard that he eats kittens raw. He spits the paws out on the carpet.

I heard that he supports intelligent design. He uses himself as proof that God exists.

I heard that he once swallowed a pint of crude oil to fill the place in his chest where his soul used to be.

I heard that he doesn't like maple syrup, he likes refined sugar and urine.

I heard that his breath is pure carbon monoxide.

I heard that he does not sing. He wails a shrill cry that blinds the innocent.

I heard that he once made out with an elder dread god. The dread god is embarassed about that story to this very day.

I heard that he had his nipples removed in '99 to further isolate himself from the rest of humanity.

I heard that he was not born. He was hatched.

I heard that he wears socks made of the finest leather. Baby leather.

I heard that he doesn't drive an SUV. He just starts gasoline fires in his back yard. He says it reminds him of "home".

I heard that he wants to go to Iraq, but only to bomb the museums.

Scott, Montreal